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“I Got Safe So Quickly!”: How Kids Feel After Telling About Sexual Abuse

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In the days after a student discloses abuse, I always touch base to see how things are going. I tell them (again) how brave they were and how proud of them I am. Unfortunately, not all of these stories have happy endings, but in many cases, telling helps kids find safety, and they feel protected, empowered, and proud of themselves. Some of the most profoundly moving moments of my career as a school counselor have come when kids have told me about how telling made such a difference in how they are feeling about their situations and about themselves. Here is some of what they have told me (and how I plan to use their words to help other kids too):

“I went from not feeling so brave to feeling REALLY brave!”

“It was a little hard telling people but I think it was definitely a good thing that I did that because it was for my safety.”

“Now I feel like I can stick up for myself.”

“It’s hard to show how excited I am – telling worked!”

“I’m so proud that I was so brave. It really helped because my dad was so proud of me and you are so proud of me.”

“I’m so proud I want to jump up and down!”

In a Post-it Note Counseling session, one child chose the following emotions to explain how she was feeling the day after disclosing (a safety plan had been put into place by protective services.) Interestingly, she talked about her comfortable feelings first before even being interested in looking at the list of uncomfortable feelings.

Relieved – because I actually got to be with my [protective parent]. I thought I’d have to stay at my [non-protective parent]‘s and be around [abuser]. 

Brave – because of everything I had to do and say.

Glad – that I’m in a safer place.

Proud – I told people and I really am happy that I did what I did.

Happy – I actually got away from feeling very weird when I was there, like something would happen.

Excited – I get to see my [protective parent], [partner], and dog and cat more. I have them all the time if I need them.

Surprised – I actually got to go with my [protective parent]. I got safe so quickly!

Supported – people are there for me.

Stressed – that was a lot yesterday.

Torn – I won’t see my [non-protective parent] as much but I will get to see my [protective parent] more.

Guilty – I’m 50/50 on guilty because I won’t get to see [non-protective parent] as much, but it was the right thing for me to do.

It was a good sign that she felt in control even about the uncomfortable feelings! “Stressed” was about yesterday, and “torn” and “guilty” were balanced by a positive result. This kid was really resilient! And I think that the experience of taking an action that stopped the abuse – telling an adult that she trusted – helped her become even more so.

Using Kids’ Words to Help Other Kids Learn to Tell

When I teach sexual abuse prevention classroom lessons I always tell the students that when kids tell, they help themselves get safe and feel better. The books that I use send the same message, and I think the kids understand this. But this year when I teach my sexual abuse prevention lessons, I’m also going to incorporate what kids who have been there have to say. Students always sit up and listen a little harder when they know that what they are hearing actually happened in “real life.” I will do this as part of a lesson on telling. This lesson is appropriate for grades 3 and up. See below for how you can adapt this lesson or introduce the concept for younger children.

1. Prior to the lesson: Cut apart “I Told” notes and fold into quarters. The linked page has nine notes. Copy enough pages so that there is a note for each student. You may choose to create more notes if you wish (I might) but it would also be powerful to have the messages within the notes repeated. You can download a copy for yourself by clicking here.


2. Discuss ways that an abuser might try to trick kids into NOT telling. (See Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming.)

3. Practice different ways to tell, verbally and non-verbally. (See Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse.)

4. Explain to students that you have some messages for them from real (but unidentified) kids who made the abuse stop by telling an adult that they trusted about it.

5. Distribute notes. Have students unfold and read their notes, one by one, without commenting in between.

6. Have students share their thoughts and feelings about the notes and the messages that they contained.

 7. Ask students what they thought about this activity and if (and why) they recommend doing it with next year’s classes. I like to do this in order to get feedback, to assess my students’ learning, and even more importantly, because by answering the “why” question, the students are essentially teaching me and others about the topic. We all know how helpful teaching is to learning!

You can adapt this lesson (or introduce the concept) by using the coloring page below, from Very Important People, which was developed by McKenzie Roman of the YWCA of Kalamazoo to complement this lesson.

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I hope you find this information and lesson plan helpful. I’d love to hear what you do to teach sexual abuse prevention and if (and how) you might use any of the ideas that I’ve shared in this series of posts about sexual abuse prevention. Thanks!

You might also be interested in . . .

A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources

Coloring Book Helps Kids Learn About Sexual Abuse Prevention

Using Data to Teach Sexual Abuse Prevention

Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse 

Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming 

Post-it Note Counseling


Kindergarten Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

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Many people have asked if I would share the sexual abuse lessons that I teach in grades K-5, and I am most happy to oblige. Deciding how best to teach about sexual abuse prevention can be a daunting task. It is such an important topic, but so loaded – because of the content, because of the potential for concern from parents, for cultural reasons, and perhaps even because the issue of sexual abuse may hit close to home for the person who is teaching about it. But despite this, kids MUST be taught how to respond to situations in which they are being groomed for abuse or abused! Otherwise they will not know what to do! We spend a lot of time and effort teaching them how to behave in various school settings, and in a variety of situations – what to do when conflicts, bullying, or peer pressure arise, how to make good choices, and be ready learners. We teach them these skills because otherwise we cannot be sure they will know what to do. The same is true for sexual abuse prevention – we must equip our students with the skills that they need to respond to and report abuse.

It can feel overwhelming to think about how to develop lessons, and even more so to think about how to deliver them. Don’t worry! Almost everyone is nervous when they first teach about this topic. It gets easier with time and experience. When you get to the heart of it, and set aside your own anxieties, you will find that it’s no different than teaching about any other topic. The kids are highly interested and want to know what to do. All – all???!!! - you have to do is create a safe space, explain things clearly, and allow them an opportunity to practice. You’ll do a great job!

I will share the K-5 lessons in separate posts by grade level over the next couple of weeks, beginning with kindergarten. It will be helpful for you to familiarize yourself with the foundational information about how to teach sexual abuse prevention by reading the posts Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse and Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming before you teach the lessons. You can link to all my posts about sexual abuse prevention lessons and resources by visiting A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources.

For these two kindergarten lessons you will need two puppets, the book Your Body Belongs to You by Cornelia Maude Spelman, and copies of coloring pages of a boy and girl wearing bathing suits. You can find additional coloring pages (including a bathing suit picture) in the Very Important People coloring book

Your Body Belongs to You is a gentle and reassuring book that clearly conveys the messages that; (1) your body belongs to you and you can say who touches it and what kind of touches are okay with you, (2) some touches make us feel good and some touches make us feel uncomfortable, (3) what to do if you don’t want to be touched, (4) private parts are covered by your bathing suit and are only for you, (5) being touched in the private parts is not safe unless you need help in the bathroom or need medical help, (6) you should never keep secrets about touching private parts, and (7) how to tell. 

Lesson 1 covers the concepts of “good” and “uncomfortable” touches and teaches the children to say, “Stop! I don’t like it!” to the person touching them. This is a foundational lesson and does not directly address the touching of private parts. Activities include group discussion, role plays, and practice. Lesson 2 specifically focuses on safety related to private parts. Activities include read-aloud, practice, and a coloring activity. I use different coloring pages for boys and girls, but the ones I use are copyrighted, so I can’t share them. I’m sure you can find some free ones online. Here is one I found in a quick search. I don’t like it as well as the ones I have, but it will certainly do.

Both lessons require that each student practices a script: “Stop! I don’t like it!” and “Someone tried to touch the private parts of my body.” I have each student come stand beside me in the circle to practice and model for their classmates. In Lesson 1, they role play responding to hitting, pushing, hair-pulling, etc. In Lesson 2, I give them a scenario such as “Someone tried to touch the private parts of your body,” they choose whether to tell me or the classroom teacher, and then do so. Whichever adult the child “tells” responds with something like, “I’m sorry that happened to you. Thank you for telling me. We’re going to get help so you can be safe.” (You will find more scenarios in Teaching Kids to Tell About Sexual Abuse. I use the simpler ones with kindergartners.) There is always an eager volunteer to start us out and show that it is a fun activity, and then each student takes a turn. The truly hesitant can wait for a few others to go first, but everyone needs to practice so that they know what to do if this ever happens to them and so that their classmates can learn by watching them. I have never had any child be so uncomfortable that they refuse to participate. When I have students who I know have been abused, I talk to them ahead of time and show them the book and coloring pages. I don’t always have this information, though, and these lessons have been safe and comfortable for everyone.

After introducing the lessons, but before going any further, I always give these directions:

“We’re not going to talk about anything that really happened or almost happened to us or anything that really happened or almost happened to anyone we know. It’s important to talk to a grown-up when something unsafe happens, but we talk about that privately, only one kid at a time.”

These lessons are also appropriate to use with individuals, for review, or for older students whose developmental level makes these lessons appropriate. Whenever possible I provide make-up lessons in small groups or individually for any students who miss them in the classroom.

Kindergarten Personal Safety Lessons: Objectives, ASCA Standards, Activities, and  Materials

Objective: Students will be able to:

  1. identify which areas of their body are private.
  2. understand that they have the right to say who touches their body.
  3. identify whether a touch is “good” or “uncomfortable.”
  4. understand how to refuse uncomfortable touches.
  5. understand that they should tell an adult about any uncomfortable touch.
  6. understand how to tell an adult about any touch that makes them feel uncomfortable.

ASCA National Standards

Personal/Social Domain

Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others. Competency A1: Acquire Self Knowledge

  •      PS:A1.7: Recognize personal boundaries, rights, and privacy needs

Standard C: Students will understand safety and survival skills. Competency C1: Acquire Personal Safety Skills

  •      PS:C1.3:learn about the differences between appropriate and inappropriate physical contact
  •      PS:C1.4:demonstrate the ability to set boundaries, rights, and personal privacy
  •      PS:C1.6: identify resource people in the school and community, and know how to seek their help

Lessons/Materials/Activities

Lesson 1: You Are in Charge of Your Body

Materials: 2 puppets

  • Discuss: “Good” touches make us feel happy; “uncomfortable” touches make us feel sad, weird, or yucky.
  • Ask: What kind of face does someone make when a touch makes them feel happy? (Smile or laugh – you can tell they like it.) What kind of face does someone make when a touch makes them feel uncomfortable? (Sad, weird, or yucky – you can tell they don’t like it.)
  • Model: Use puppets to model “good” and “uncomfortable” touches – holding hand/gripping hand; high five/hitting; tagging/pushing; hugging/restraining; etc. After a few examples have students label modeled touches as “good” or “uncomfortable.”
  • Discuss: If someone is touching you in a way you don’t like you need to say, “Stop, I don’t like it!” Use puppets to model uncomfortable touches again and have puppet on receiving end say, “Stop, I don’t like it!” and then tell you (the adult) that it happened.
  • Practice: All students practice, modeling in front of group: counselor/teacher pretends to give good (high five, hand holding, pat on the back, etc.) and uncomfortable touches (hit, kick, pull hair, holding, hugging, etc.) to each student. For uncomfortable touches: Tell them first what you are going pretend to do, that it won’t be real, and that you won’t actually touch them, then show on yourself. Then ask, “Is it okay with you if we pretend this? Students practice saying, “Stop, I don’t like it!” Have students show with their facial expression whether or not they like the touch. Ask classmates how they can tell whether the touch was comfortable or uncomfortable.

Lesson 2: Private Parts of Body / Telling an Adult

Materials: Your Body Belongs to You by Cornelia Maude Spelman and Teri Weidner; bathing suit coloring pages Depending on the size of the class, you may need to separate this lesson into two sessions.

  • Read: Your Body Belongs to You.
  • Discuss: Private parts are the parts of our bodies that are covered by a bathing suit.
  • Discuss: No one should touch the private parts of your body unless it’s to check quickly to help you clean up or if your private parts hurt. This would be a grown-up like a parent or a doctor or nurse. If a doctor or nurse was checking you, your mom or dad or whoever usually takes you to the doctor would be there.
  • Discuss: Tell an adult you trust if anyone: touches the private parts of your body, tries to touch the private parts of your body, makes you touch the private parts of their body, tries to make you touch the private parts of their body.
  • Share: Each student identifies a grown-up they would tell if someone tried to touch their private parts
  • Discuss: Always tell a grown-up about touching private parts, even if the person touching: tells you not to tell, says you’ll get in trouble, says that no one will believe you, says they will hurt you.If the grown-up you tell doesn’t believe you, tell another grown-up.
  • Practice: telling teacher or counselor “Somebody touched the private parts of my body.”
  • Activity: Students color in bathing suits on Girl or Boy Bathing Suit paper. Tell them they are doing this activity to help them remember that bathing suits cover the private parts of their bodies. Circulate and ask students why they are coloring pictures of children in bathing suits: “Because they cover the private parts of the body.” Ask them what they should do if someone tries to touch the private parts of their body. “Tell a grown-up that I trust” – mom, dad, teacher, etc.

You might also be interested in:

A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources

Coloring Book Helps Kids Learn About Sexual Abuse Prevention

Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse

Using Data to Teach About Sexual Abuse Prevention

“I Got Safe So Quickly”: How Kids Feel After Telling About Sexual Abuse

Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming

I’ve Got a Secret . . .

First Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

First Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

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Screen Shot 2012-12-05 at 4.09.20 PMMy first grade sexual abuse prevention lessons revisit and build upon the skills and concepts covered in kindergarten. (See Kindergarten Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention.) For this series of three lessons you will need the books I Can Play It Safe by Alison Feigh, Your Body Belongs to You by Cornelia Maude Spelman, and Do You Have a Secret? by Jennifer Moore-Mallinos. For the activities you will also need some coloring pages, a Good Secrets Box, and Secrets Cards. (Find links for these resources below.)

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It will be helpful for you to familiarize yourself with the foundational information about how to teach sexual abuse prevention by reading the posts Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse and Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming before you teach the lessons. You can link to all my posts about sexual abuse prevention lessons and resources by visiting A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources.

Lesson 1 covers several personal safety concepts: checking with a parent or caregiver before going anywhere or when asked to help with an adult problem; trusting the “uh-oh” or “yucky” feeling; the importance of telling if someone asks you to keep a secret from your parents or touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable; and identifying adults you can trust to help you. The lesson consists of reading I Can Play It Safe; introducing and practicing the “Say NO (if you can), GO, and TELL” and “Check First” scripts; and coloring No, Go, and Tell and Check First papers.

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Lesson 2 specifically focuses on safety related to private parts. Activities include reading Your Body Belongs to You, identifying trusted adults, and a drawing activity. This lesson is similar to one of the kindergarten lessons – it uses the same book that was read in kindergarten, but instead of doing role-play practice after the book, you discuss what to do in given scenarios as a whole class. See the kindergarten sexual abuse prevention lesson for more details.

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Lesson 3 covers how to tell the difference between good (happy) secrets and bad (uncomfortable) secrets, and the importance of telling secrets that make you feel uncomfortable, yucky, or unsafe. Activities include reading Do You Have a Secret? and role-playing telling an adult about an unsafe secret. You can find details about how to teach this lesson and links to the Secret Cards here.

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It is important that ALL students participate in the role-plays and discussions. I always choose an eager and expressive kid to start the role-plays to model what to do and to show that it is a safe and fun activity, and then have each student take a turn. The truly hesitant can wait for a few others to go first, but everyone needs to practice so that they know what to do if this ever happens to them and so that their classmates can learn by watching them. I have never had any child be so uncomfortable that he/she refuses to participate. When I have students who I know have been abused, I talk to them ahead of time and show them the books and activities. I don’t always have this information, though, and these lessons have been safe and comfortable for everyone. After introducing the lessons, but before going any further, I always give these directions:

“We’re not going to talk about anything that really happened or almost happened to us or anything that really happened or almost happened to anyone we know. It’s important to talk to a grown-up when something unsafe happens, but we talk about that privately, only one kid at a time.”

These lessons are also appropriate to use with individuals, for review, or for older students whose developmental level makes these lessons appropriate. Whenever possible I provide make-up lessons in small groups or individually for any students who miss them in the classroom. Additional coloring and drawing prompt pages to use in any of these lessons can be found in the Very Important People coloring book.

First Grade Personal Safety Lessons: Objectives, ASCA Standards, Activities, and  Materials  

Objective: Students will be able to:

  1. understand that they should check first with a parent or caregiver before going anywhere.
  2. understand that “uh-oh” feelings warn them that they need to ask for help.  
  3. identify which areas of their bodies are private.  
  4. understand that they have the right to say who touches their body.
  5. identify whether a touch is a “good” or “uncomfortable” touch.    
  6. understand how to avoid and refuse uncomfortable touches. 
  7. identify the difference between good/happy and bad/unsafe secrets. 
  8. understand that they must tell an adult about any uncomfortable touch or unsafe secrets. 
  9. identify adults that they can trust and talk to. 
  10. understand how to tell an adult about anything that makes them feel  uncomfortable.

ASCA National Standards  

Personal/Social Domain  

Standard A: Students will acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and interpersonal skills to help them understand and respect self and others. Competency A1: Acquire Self-Knowledge

  • PS:A1.7: recognize personal boundaries, rights, and privacy needs  

Standard C: Students will understand safety and survival skills. Competency C1: Acquire Personal Safety Skills   

  • PS:C1.3: learn about the differences between appropriate and inappropriate physical contact   
  • PS:C1.4: demonstrate the ability to set boundaries, rights, and personal privacy   
  • PS:C1.6: identify resource people in the school and community, and know how to seek their help

Lessons/Materials/Activities:

Lesson 1: Safety with People we Know and Strangers

Materials: I Can Play It Safe, No, Go, & Tell paper, Check First paper

  • Read and Discuss: I Can Play It Safe. Discuss concepts on each page: check first, trust “uh-oh” feelings, tell adults about “uh-oh” feelings, secrets, and touches, adults you trust keep you safe. Explain that sometimes it can be hard to say “no,” and it’s okay if kids can’t. Give examples of ways to say “no” assertively or show “No” such as moving away, saying you have to go do something, etc.
  • Practice: No, Go, & Tell and Check First concepts by posing scenarios to whole group. Responses to scenarios should be “Say or show No, Go, and Tell” or “Check First.”
  • Activity: Color No, Go, & Tell and Check First papers.

Lesson 2. Private Parts of Body / Telling an Adult

Materials: Your Body Is Your Own, Adults I Can Trust to Help Me paper

  • Review: No (if you can), Go, & Tell concept. 
  • Read (or review) and Discuss: Your Body Is Your Own. Use discussion points below while reading or after reviewing book.
  • Discuss: Private parts are the parts of our bodies that are covered by a bathing suit
  • Discuss: No one should touch the private parts of your body unless it’s to check quickly to help you clean up or if your private parts hurt. This would be a grown-up like a parent or a doctor or nurse. If a doctor or nurse was checking you, your mom or dad or whoever usually takes you to the doctor would be there.
  • Discuss: Tell an adult you trust if anyone: touches the private parts of your body, tries to touch the private parts of your body, makes you touch the private parts of their body, tries to make you touch the private parts of their body.
  • Discuss: Always tell a grown-up about touching private parts, even if the person touching: tells you not to tell, says you’ll get in trouble, says that no one will believe you, says they will hurt you.If the grown-up you tell doesn’t believe you, tell another grown-up.
  • Scenarios: Ask questions about what kids should do in scenarios that involve touching – ‘Tell a grown-up!” You can find sample scenarios about touching under the heading “No Secrets About Touching” here.
  • Share: Each student identifies a grown-up they would tell at school and outside of school if someone tried to/did touch their private parts or tried to/did tell the child to touch their private parts.
  • Activity: Draw picture of adults at school and outside of school who you trust to help you


Lesson 3: Good/Happy and Bad/Uncomfortable Secrets

Materials: Do You Have a Secret?Good Secrets Box, Secret Cards

  • Read: Do You Have a Secret?
  • Discuss: Good/happy secrets are secrets that make you and others (like your teacher or mom) happy. Good/happy secrets are only secrets for a little while. Bad/uncomfortable secrets give you a yucky or “uh-oh” feeling and would make others upset). All secrets about private parts or threats are bad/uncomfortable secrets. You ALWAYS have to tell about bad/uncomfortable secrets.
  • Group Activity: Each student comes to the front of the group and takes a secret scenario card. If it is a bad/uncomfortable secret they practice telling counselor or teacher the secret. If it is a good/happy secret they put the secret in the Good Secret box. Students who had good secrets get a second turn with a bad secret so that they can practice. The good secrets come out of the box at the end of the class because good secrets are only secret for a little while.

You might also be interested in:

A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources

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Screen Shot 2012-08-04 at 12.48.23 PMIt has been deeply gratifying to hear from so many people about how they have used the sexual abuse prevention lessons and resources that I have written about in various blog posts. I am passionate about the topic of sexual abuse prevention – I have seen such amazing changes in children who are able to report and avoid abuse – and am so glad to be able to help others as they do this important work. To make it easier for people to more easily locate all the posts I’ve written about sexual abuse prevention, I’ve put them all together, with a little help from a friend.

The wonderfully organized Vanessa at Savvy School Counselor recently collected links to all of her National Board Certification Process in one blog post. What a great idea! It’s not the first of Vanessa’s ideas I’ve adopted! What did I ever do before there was all this wonderful sharing of ideas between school counselors???!!! 

Here is a collection of links to help you more easily locate all the posts I’ve written about sexual abuse prevention. I’ll keep adding to this list as I write more on this topic.

Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse

Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming

Preparing Students (and Yourself) for Sexual Abuse Prevention Lessons

Using Data to Teach About Sexual Abuse Prevention

“I Got Safe So Quickly”: How Kids Feel After Telling About Sexual Abuse

Shrinking the Hurt

I’ve Got a Secret . . .  

Kindergarten Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

First Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention  

Second Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention 

Third Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

Fourth Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

Coloring Book Helps Kids Learn About Sexual Abuse Prevention

A Must Have Video: Real Kids Tell How to Stop Abuse

Coloring Book Helps Kids Learn About Sexual Abuse Prevention

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Screen Shot 2013-01-18 at 8.54.30 PMRecently, McKenzie Roman, a community educator from the YWCA in Kalamazoo, Michigan contacted me to ask if she could use some of the ideas in my posts about sexual abuse prevention in a coloring book that she was developing for classroom lessons in Kalamazoo elementary schools. Of course, I said “YES!”  The coloring book is now complete and the Kalamazoo YWCA has generously shared it with me so that I can share it with all of you! It was pretty much like my birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and a dance party all wrapped up into one magical moment when I received my copy this week! 

Screen Shot 2013-01-18 at 8.54.30 PMThe book is titled Very Important PeopleIt contains 13 pages of pictures to color and drawing prompts, as well as a note to parents.  You can download it here. It can be used in classroom lessons, as a whole book or by using selected pages, and as a resource to share with parents. It covers the topics of:

  • Your body belongs to you
  • Private parts are covered by your bathing suit
  • Trust your feelings
  • Happy/contented/safe touches
  • Adults you trust at home and school
  • Touch should never be a secret
  • Tell an adult you trust about uncomfortable touches
  • Uncomfortable touches are not your fault
  • Tricky words that might be used to try to stop you from telling
  • Ways you can tell about uncomfortable touches
  • Telling makes you feel better (real words from real kids)

Screen Shot 2013-01-18 at 8.55.41 PMI absolutely LOVE this resource! It can certainly be used on its own, but it also complements the lessons and scripts outlined in Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse, “I Got Safe So Quickly!”:How Kids Feel After Telling About Sexual Abuse, Kindergarten Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention and First Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention. I will definitely be using it in my K-3 lessons as well as with older students for whom the coloring book is developmentally appropriate. It would also be a great resource to use in individual and small group settings.

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I’d like to extend a very big thank-you to McKenzie Roman for creating this coloring book, and to the YWCA of Kalamazoo for sharing it. Please let me know what you think – I’d love to pass along any comments to our generous friends in Kalamazoo. 

You might also be interested in:

A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources  

More Career Role Models

A Must-Have Video: Real Kids Tell How to Stop Abuse

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Screen Shot 2013-01-22 at 7.49.49 PMThere is nothing like kids teaching kids – it is engaging, powerful, and another kid’s words can often be more meaningful than an adult’s. It’s great to have role models visit a classroom to talk about how they learned to solve conflicts or stop bullying, but this kind of presentation is not possible when it comes to abuse prevention. Here, though, is a way to provide meaningful kid-to-kid teaching about this important topic. The video, Break the Silence: Kids Against Child Abuse is an amazing, must-have resource. In it, four real kids tell their stories and share the importance of telling an adult about physical and sexual abuse, and how doing so ends the abuse and brings them to safety. See below for suggestions about how you can get a copy.

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credit: JohnCanemaker.com

The Kids and Their Stories

Curt and his sister were physically abused by their father, whose drinking contributed to the abuse. The abuse stopped when Curt’s sister told a friend, who told her school counselor. They were removed from their home and went into foster care for a while while their parents did the work they needed to do to ensure their children’s safety. In the video the family has been reunited and are shown in a home visit family meeting with a social worker. The parents speak about how they needed to learn how to parent in a way that is safe and loving. As the segment concludes, they are shown bowling together as a family, celebrating and encouraging each other. 

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Curt and his dad from Breaking the Silence

Xochitl was sexually abused by her stepfather. When she finally told her mother, her mother did not believe her. She told her father, and then went to live with him and her stepmother and little sister. Xochitl’s story provides a clear example of grooming and the confusion that it causes, because even though she didn’t like what her stepfather was doing, he gave her many presents and treats that she did like. It is also a great illustration about how kids need to keep telling if they are not believed or listened to. Xochitl is shown working with her therapist in a play therapy setting and with her very loving family in the restaurant that they own. We watch this video after the lesson described in Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming, and I have the kids watch for signs of grooming in Xochitl and Anthony’s stories.

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credit: JohnCanemaker.com

Anthony was also sexually abused, by the son of his mom’s friend/client. His mother happened upon the scene right after an instance of abuse, but Anthony was not able to tell her what had been happening. He was, however, able to tell his stepfather, who called the police. Anthony is shown as a “counselor-in-training,” assisting his therapist at a therapeutic self-defense class from which he previously graduated. At the end of the segment, he and his mom and stepdad are playing pool together.

Anthony tells about how he testified in court, which resulted in the perpetrator being put in prison. I talk to my students about this before we watch the segment, and tell them that in our state it is very unusual for kids to have to go to court, since judges and people who work to keep kids safe know that that would be intimidating to a lot of kids. Afterwards we talk about how empowered and strong the smiling Anthony is when he talks about how his testimony contributed to the perpetrator being sent to jail.

Rachel was neglected for several years, starting when she was very young. Her mother left her home alone without enough food and eventually abandoned her. She was taken in by her grandmother, who drank a lot, and Rachel had to do the shopping, cooking, and other adult tasks even though she was little. When her grandmother died she was passed from relative to relative, then was homeless for a time until she told her school counselor what was happening. Rachel initially lived in a group home, but now lives in a family setting with a foster mother. Rachel is shown working with her therapist and social worker, and having fun on the beach with her foster mom, social worker, and therapist, who she describes as her three moms.  

I explain to my students that in our state we do not have group homes, and that if kids can’t stay at home with their family, the people who keep kids safe try to arrange for them to live with another relative, but if that doesn’t work, then they live in a foster home like Rachel. We talk about how nice Rachel’s foster mom is and I tell the kids that I’ve known lots of foster parents and they have all been nice and caring to the kids who have lived with them. Often a student will volunteer that they know someone who is a foster parent, so we have more opportunity to talk about how foster homes are safe and loving places for kids to be when it’s not safe for them to be with their parents.

Break the Silence is beautifully and masterfully done. The animations by John Canemaker are evocative but gentle – I wish I had been able to find more of them to share with you! The featured kids are well spoken, relateable, and resilient; you cannot help but like and feel proud of them. The stories make the importance of telling about abuse – and the how-to-do-it – so clear. This alone makes the video outstanding, but there are some additional aspects that turn it into a real gem:

The kids, parents, and service providers are racially and ethnically diverse. Based on their accents and environments, they hail from different regions of the country – Anthony lives in the city, Curt is from a more rural environment, and Xochitl and Rachel are from somewhere in between.

To counterbalance the uncomfortable truth that these kids were hurt by people who should have protected them – in three cases a family member and in the fourth a trusted family friend, viewers are ultimately reassured that these kids do have safe, loving, and protective parents.  Although Xochitl’s stepfather was a perpetrator, Anthony’s stepfather was a protector. Rachel’s mother abandoned her and Xochitl’s mother didn’t believe her, but Anthony’s mom was a strong support to him throughout, Xochitl’s stepmom and Rachel’s foster mom are loving mothers to their girls, and although she initially failed to protect him, Curt’s mom has done the work she needed to do to become a better parent and reunite her family.

Curt and Rachel’s stories offer stark examples of how dangerous and harmful substance abuse can be, not only to users, but also to their family members, especially children. Our students are always eager to make connections between these stories and what they have learned in our substance abuse lessons.

Breaking the Silence is a must-have for everyone who works to help children learn about sexual abuse prevention! It is not cheap – $99.95 here – but perhaps you can share a copy between schools within your district or encourage a local child advocacy or parent-child center to purchase a copy that they could lend. You might also want to check to see if your state has a Health Education Resource Center (HERC) that loans materials to schools – maybe they have a copy or have funds to purchase it. Want to find it in a library so you can request an interlibrary loan? Check here. You want this video!!!

When I was looking for the purchasing information, I came across a Teacher’s Guide for Breaking the Silence. Who knew?!!! It looks pretty good, and could help you gather more information that you can use to talk someone into getting a copy for your program. Have I mentioned that you want this video? :)

You might also be interested in:

A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources

Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming  

Using Data to Teach About Sexual Abuse Prevention

“I Got Safe So Quickly!”: How Kids Feel After Telling About Sexual Abuse


Second Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

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Screen Shot 2013-03-07 at 11.17.42 AMMy sexual abuse prevention unit for second grade consists of three lessons, which revisit and build upon the skills and concepts covered in first grade. For these lessons you will need the books Scoop by Julia Cook and I Said No! A Kid to Kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private by Zack and Kimberly King, as well as scenarios from Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse and some coloring pages (linked below.) It will be helpful for you to familiarize yourself with the foundational information about how to teach sexual abuse prevention by reading the posts Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse and Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming before you teach the lessons. You can link to all my posts about sexual abuse prevention lessons and resources by visiting A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources. The objectives and ASCA National Standards addressed in this unit are listed at the end of the post.

Lessons and Materials

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Lesson 1 covers several personal safety concepts: being safe around people you know as well as around strangers, checking with a parent or caregiver before going anywhere or when asked to help with an adult problem; trusting the “uh-oh” or “yucky” feeling; maintaining personal space, and pairing up. The lesson consists of reading Scoop; reviewing and practicing the “Say or show NO, GO, and TELL” and “Check First” scripts; and coloring No, Go, and Tell and Check First papers.

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Scoop highlights the skills that kids need to be safe through a gentle story about a girl talking with her mom about being safe. One thing that I especially like about Scoop is that it covers stranger safety skills while acknowledging that “scoopers” aren’t only strangers – they can also be people that kids know and like.  To further emphasize this unfortunate truth, I add to the information in the book by telling the kids that kids are more often hurt by people they know than people they don’t know. I point out that in the pictures of a man coming to the door and of a woman with a puppy, that they could be people the girl knows or they could be strangers. The book ends with the narrator realizing that she herself had been a “scooper” when she tried to turn the bunny she found in her yard into a pet. This provides a good opening for further discussion about how “scoopers” could be anyone.

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Lesson 2 specifically focuses on safety related to private parts: the importance of telling if someone touches you or has you touch them in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, or asks you to keep a secret about touching. The lesson concludes with students identifying adults they can trust to help them. Activities include reading I Said No! and filling out and coloring a My Green Flag People: Adults I Can Trust to Talk to About Hard Things paper on which kids identify 5 adults (at least two at school and two outside of school) who they can talk to about hard things.

I Said No! was written by a teacher/mom and her son, Zack, who had an uncomfortable experience at a sleepover. He used a great strategy to “show ‘no’” and avoid inappropriate touching, but had been unprepared for the lies, intimidation, and threats directed toward him. Writing the book to help other kids know what to do in similar situations helped him feel better. I Said No! is a fairly long book, and it covers some of what we have already covered in Lesson 1, so I don’t read every page, but I make sure to read all the pages and examples of “red flag” (unsafe) people to help reinforce the importance of the No (if you can), Go, and Tell concept that was covered in Lesson 1. One thing that I especially like about I Said No! is that it clearly describes “tricks” that abusers might use – lies, threats, bribes – and shows how kids should respond to keep themselves safe. Despite the repetition of uncomfortable or potentially dangerous situations, the book is very reassuring and not at all scary, and includes examples of “green flag” (safe and trusted) adults. Here is the paper the kids fill out and color (in green, of course!) after we read the book.

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Lesson 3 gives students a chance to practice telling an adult about unsafe situations. We begin by reviewing the concept that sexual abuse/unsafe touching is NEVER the kid’s fault. Using the “Sexual (or Physical) Abuse is Not Your Fault” scenarios listed in Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse, I ask the kids, “Is it the kid’s fault if . . . ” Inevitably, some second graders will say “Yes,” to some of the scenarios, which gives a great opportunity to correct misunderstandings and to underscore the fact that it is never a kid’s fault. Eventually the kids figure out that the response to all of the questions about fault is “No.” Once they’ve realized that, I go back through the scenarios, and have the kids respond “No!” as a group to each one.

Then the kids practice telling an adult (me or the teacher) that something unsafe has happened. Using the “No Secrets About Touching” scenarios from Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse, I give a role play situation to each student, who then decides to tell either me or any other adult who happens to be in the classroom. I (or the other adult) respond with, “I’m sorry that happened to you. You were very brave to tell me. I’m going to get help so you will be safe.” If there is another adult in the room, I (or the other adult) will occasionally respond with something like, “I’m too busy right now,” or “I don’t believe you,” so that the student has to go to the other adult to tell. This reinforces the idea that kids have to keep telling if an adult doesn’t do something to help make the abuse stop. To end the lesson, the kids draw a picture of themselves telling a trusted adult about an unsafe situation and color a “Your Body Belongs to You” paper, both from the Very Important People Coloring Book.

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Objectives and ASCA Standards

Objectives: Students will be able to:

  1. understand that “uh-oh” or “yucky” feelings are a warning that a situation is unsafe.
  2. understand that their body belongs to them and they have the right to say who may touch it.
  3. understand how to avoid and refuse uncomfortable touches.
  4. understand that uncomfortable touches demanded by another person are not their fault.
  5. demonstrate how to tell an adult about any uncomfortable touch, unsafe secrets, tricks, or threats.
  6. demonstrate how to tell another adult if an adult you tell about uncomfortable touches does not help you.
  7. identify adults that they can trust to talk to about uncomfortable or unsafe things.

ASCA National Standards

PS:A1.7  recognize personal boundaries, rights, and privacy needs  

PS:A2.6  use effective communications skills  

PS:B1.4  develop effective coping skills for dealing with problems  

PS:B1.5  demonstrate when, where and how to seek help for solving problems and making decisions  

PS:C1.3  learn about the differences between appropriate and inappropriate physical contact  

PS:C1.4  demonstrate the ability to set boundaries, rights and personal privacy  

PS:C1.6  identify resource people in the school and community, and know how to seek their help

You might also be interested in:

First Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention   

Kindergarten Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources

School Counselors, Meet the Common Core!

You Brought WHAT to School???!!!

 

Preparing Students (and Yourself) for Sexual Abuse Prevention Lessons

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Screen Shot 2013-05-16 at 7.04.09 PMLet’s face it: it’s not easy to teach lessons about hard topics. And there’s not much that gets harder than talking about sexual abuse, even when the subject is actually sexual abuse prevention. It’s a loaded topic. It’s scary, disturbing, and anxiety provoking. It makes some administrators nervous. You have to walk the line between notifying parents and giving a heads up to someone in the home who may be abusing a child. You have to be prepared for disclosures (and you hope like crazy that they don’t happen in the classroom setting.) The lessons might bring up your own issues or be an uncomfortable reminder about things that have happened to people you care about. There might be a state mandate that you have to meet. There may be no state guidelines at all. Even if you use the terms “personal safety” or “body safety,” “sexual abuse prevention” contains the word “sex” – never a particularly welcome word at school! Your graduate program may have covered the topic only generally, or not at all. It’s hard to find good lessons and resources, and even if you do, there’s often no “how-to-do” to go with the “what-to-do.”

All this can make it hard to get started, but good preparation can help you feel more comfortable as you teach your lessons. Once you have identified which lessons and materials you are going to use, one of the best ways to feel prepared is to make sure your students are prepared too.

Here’s my go-to how-to for preparing kids to participate in sexual abuse prevention lessons, gleaned from stumbles in the early days and many years of tweaking and practice. After just a few times, you’ll find that it’s not as hard as you thought it was and you’ll be amazed at how calm you are and how natural it feels to talk so openly and matter-of-factly about what had once seemed like such a difficult topic. Once you take the anxiety out of it it gets a lot easier! Go figure!

Ahead of Time

The week before I plan to begin a sexual abuse prevention unit, I let students know that we are going to be talking about ways to keep our bodies safe just in case and that, as in other years, we’re going to talk about it in a way that feels safe. If at all possible, I have this unit follow directly after other lessons that have already introduced related concepts – e.g., lessons on telling vs. tattling, reporting about bullying, Internet safety, etc. If I know of students who have experienced sexual abuse (and they know I know), I touch base with them to see how they are feeling, if they want to read the book with me in advance, where they would feel most comfortable sitting, etc.  When I know about students who have been more recently traumatized, I consult with their parents and/or therapists about whether it would be helpful or detrimental to have them stay in the classroom for the lesson and whether or not I should do the lesson with them individually. If the parent and therapist agree that it’s appropriate, I may consult with older students to see if they want to attend the lesson and if so, what would make them most comfortable. Often their response has been that they do want to stay with accommodations (see above), but I don’t make the assumption that everyone will feel that way.

Introducing the Lesson

At the beginning of each lesson I use a script that goes something like this (I use this script pretty much verbatim with grades 2-5 and simplify it for kindergarten and first grade):      

“We are going to be learning about what to do in case someone ever tries to touch you in a way that is inappropriate, unsafe, or scary. Sometimes people feel uncomfortable when they talk about this, and it’s okay to feel that way. Now, sometimes people laugh or smile or get silly when they feel uncomfortable, but we’re not going to laugh or smile or be silly today and here’s why. We need to make sure that everybody is able to pay attention to everything we talk about today so that all of you can know what to do if something unsafe happens. I don’t want you to miss any of this information because you’re being silly, and I don’t want any of your classmates to be in a situation where they don’t know what to do because your being silly distracted them from learning how to keep themselves safe.  Here’s another reason: You never know if something like this has already happened to one of the kids or grown-ups in the room, because people usually keep this private. If you laugh or smile or get silly because you feel uncomfortable, it might make someone that this happened to feel like you are making fun of them, and that would be a terrible feeling for them to have, right?     

If you feel uncomfortable, and think you might start smiling or laughing or being silly, just tell yourself ‘I am feeling uncomfortable’ and that will help you stay focused. You can say ‘I am feeling uncomfortable’ out loud if you want to. You can also ask yourself, ‘Would this be funny if it happened to me?’ If anyone laughs or smiles or gets silly I will help them by asking, ‘Would this be funny if it happened to you?’ Okay? So we’re all set, right?”     

This kind of upfront, direct conversation has worked EVERY time! Occasionally there have been kids who covered their mouths or put their heads down for a moment, and even more rarely I have had to say, “Would it be funny if it happened to you?” but usually before I finish the sentence other kids have said, “It’s not funny!” which takes care of the problem. If someone says out loud that they feel uncomfortable I acknowledge and normalize the feeling by saying, “Yes, of course we feel uncomfortable, because it’s an uncomfortable topic. You’re doing a good job of noticing that you’re having a ‘yucky’ feeling. We’re all getting practice trusting our ‘yucky feelings.’”

If a student feels particularly distressed about the topic, you should allow him/her to take a break, but thanks (I think) to advance preparation, I have not yet had to do so. Giving the class a few days notice about the topic and checking in directly ahead of time with individuals I know have experienced abuse, as well as sharing the above script at the beginning of the lesson, has helped make it possible for everyone to comfortably stay in the classroom. 

I also lay some ground rules for our discussion:   

“We are not going to talk about things that really happened to us or that almost happened to us. We are not going to talk about things that really happened to someone we know or almost happened to someone we know. It’s important to talk about these things, and you SHOULD tell about them, but we talk about these things privately. If you want to tell me about something that was unsafe you can say to me after class or anytime, ‘Mrs. Lallier, I need to talk to you privately.’ You could say the same thing to another adult that you trust or you could write a note to me or that other adult.”

Sometimes kids, especially second graders and younger, need a reminder about this during the lesson, particularly when we’re reading a book, because they’ve been so well taught to make personal connections to what they read. If it seems like they’re about to tell about a real event, I interrupt and ask, “Is this about something that really happened or almost happened?” and then refocus them on the story or discussion. Sometimes, depending on the group, I add that we are not going to talk about things they saw in a movie or on TV, because often the details of what they have seen get in the way of them learning what they need to know how to do. I don’t do this as a matter of course, because sometimes there are good points to be made, but if I have a group that is exposed to a lot of crime shows and violent media I add it in before we even start. 

During the Lesson

In general, the classroom discussions that we have during our sexual abuse prevention lessons are the most tightly controlled ones I lead. It’s important to allow the kids to ask questions and share their thoughts – you want to be sure that they understand the concepts, and if they don’t share their thoughts it’s impossible for you to assess that understanding. It’s also important that these concepts do not get muddied with a lot of tangential what-if’s, and that kids do not get overly worried or scared. It’s a fine balance! I’ve found that the best way to navigate this is to maintain a firm focus on the objectives for the particular lesson, by quickly reining in any conversation where I’m not sure what the kid is going to say (kind but abrupt interruptions are sometimes necessary), and by posing direct questions and scenarios that address and redirect toward the objectives. You can find a number of questions and scenarios in Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse.

Role plays and practice are an important part of many of my sexual abuse prevention lessons. The kids know from lessons on other topics (speaking up for yourself, apologizing, reporting bullying, etc.) that the expectation is that everyone will participate, because they are practicing an important skill that everyone needs to know how to do. They also know that the silliness rules outlined above are still in force, although I sometimes give a reminder before we start this part of the lesson. Generally these role plays are simple scripts such as “Stop, I don’t like it!” or “Somebody touched me in a way that I didn’t like,” or “Something happened that I need to tell an adult about.” You can find examples and further explanations of role plays for sexual abuse prevention in I’ve Got a Secret . . .   and Second Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention.    

Practicing in this way makes it more likely that kids will know what to do if a similar situation arises. But that is not the only benefit! Because every student practices with me or their choice of any other adult in the classroom, they repeatedly hear the reassuring adult response of, “Thank you for telling me. You are really brave. I’m going to work to make sure that you are safe.” Even though it is only pretend, many students smile with relief at hearing this said to them! A number of students who disclosed sexual abuse to me later told me that knowing that the adult they told would stay calm, would believe them, and would help them made it easier to tell.

To End the Lesson

The end of the lesson is a great time to compliment and reinforce the kids for listening and responding so respectfully! I always tell them that I am so proud of the way they helped themselves and their classmates stay safe, because now they know what to do in case anything ever happens (or already happened).

It’s also a great time to compliment and reinforce yourself for being so calm and matter-of-fact while delivering difficult content and proactively managing potentially challenging behaviors. Be proud of the kids, but be proud of yourself too!

You’ll find lots of sexual abuse prevention “what-to’s” and a few more “how-to’s” in the links to lessons, scripts, and guidelines at A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources. I keep this list of links updated as I add more posts on sexual abuse prevention. Stay tuned for units and lessons for grades 3-5, which I promise will come soon. They are actually partially written, and just need finishing up, but, you know . . .   It would be a lot easier to blog about being a school counselor if I wasn’t actually busy being a school counselor!  

You might also be interested in:

Teaching Group Skills So You Can Teach Skills in a Group  

Hopelessness Drove Us Up the Wall: And There We Found Hope  

School Counselors, Meet the Common Core!   

Goodbye Bully Machine, Hello Integrated Learning!

You Brought WHAT to School???!!!


Third Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

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Screen Shot 2013-05-19 at 7.01.38 PMMy sexual abuse prevention unit for third grade is comprised of three lessons, which focus on body safety, trusting “yucky” or uncomfortable feelings, recognizing grooming behaviors, and the importance of telling about uncomfortable, scary, or dangerous situations. These lessons revisit and build upon skills and concepts that I cover in previous grades, but prior knowledge is not necessary, so you can use them as a starting place even if your students haven’t already had lessons about safe touch.     

For these lessons you will need the booksNo More Secrets for Me by Oralee Wachter, My Body is Private by Linda Walvoord Girard, and Mia’s Secretby Peter Ledwon and Marilyn Mets. You will also need some drawing/coloring pages that you will find linked below.  It will be helpful for you to familiarize yourself with the foundational information about how to teach sexual abuse prevention by reading the posts Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse Teaching Kids to Recognize Groomingand Preparing Students (and Yourself) for Sexual Abuse Prevention Lessons before you teach the lessons. You can link to all my posts about sexual abuse prevention lessons and resources by visiting A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources. The objectives and ASCA National Standards addressed in this unit are listed at the end of the post.      

Lessons and Materials     

Lesson 1 highlights the importance of trusting “yucky” or uncomfortable feelings, removing yourself from the situation if at all possible, and telling an adult that you trust. The lesson consists of reading the story “Just in Case” from No More Secrets for Me, discussion, and a drawing activity.       

Screen Shot 2013-05-19 at 7.01.38 PM“Just in Case” tells the story of Nickie, who loves to spend time at the local arcade. Gus, a man she and her friends know from the arcade, encourages her in her quest to get the highest score in a game competition. When Nickie feels discouraged after losing, Gus buys her a soda and sits down with her. At first Nickie is happy to have his company, but when Gus sits too close to her, puts his arm around her, and tells her he’s her favorite of all the kids, she feels uncomfortable. Nickie responds to her “yucky” feeling by telling Gus “No,” getting away from him, and going home, where she tells her mom about what happened.    

I particularly like this story because it clearly and directly illustrates several important concepts, which our class discussion centers around:

  •  a seemingly friendly person may not actually be your friend
  • even though the “yucky” feeling is often accompanied by a “freeze” response of not knowing what to do, it is a clear signal that you have to get away and tell a trusted adult about it as soon as possible
  • even though nothing “bad” happens, Nickie was right to trust her “yucky” feeling, say no and move away, and tell her mom just in case. Doing so helped her feel better and ensured her safety.  

We also discuss what Nickie could have done if her mom didn’t believe her or if she told Nickie that it was no big deal because nothing had happened. This is a great opportunity to reinforce the concepts that kids should keep telling until someone believes them and does something about it and that telling will potentially help other kids as well as yourself.

To conclude the lesson, students draw a picture of themselves telling an adult they trust that they had a “yucky” feeling about something. You can use the “Practice ways you might tell” page from the Very Important Person coloring book or blank drawing paper. For some reason my third graders just love the No, Go, and Tell and Check First coloring pages that they did in first and second grades, so I provide them with copies to take home and color. (Some of them still actually have the previous years’ papers hanging up at home!)   

Screen Shot 2013-05-19 at 7.28.05 PMLesson 2 specifically focuses on safety related to private parts of the body. The lesson consists of reading the book My Body is Private, discussion, and a coloring activity.        

Screen Shot 2013-05-19 at 7.02.23 PMMy Body is Private covers concepts about:

  • privacy
  • your body belongs to you and you can speak up if you don’t want or like a touch
  • trusting “yucky” feelings
  • what to do if someone touches your private parts or makes you touch their private parts (say no, get away if you can, and tell)
  • how abusers might try to use tricks to get you not to tell 

The comprehensive story is gently told with separate vignettes of very true to life situations:

  • Julie’s brother tickles and wrestles with her beyond what she is comfortable with and when he doesn’t stop when she wants him to, her dad steps in to remind him that in their family “Stop” means stop.
  • When Julie’s uncle visits, he has her sit on his lap, just like he has ever since she was little. Julie doesn’t like it, but is worried that it will hurt his feelings if she tells him no. Her mom encourages her to tell him no, the uncle is fine with it, and Julie realizes that he didn’t understand that she felt uncomfortable until she told him.
  • Julie and her mom have a heartfelt and loving conversation about what to do if someone ever tries to touch her private parts. The mom explains that it might be hard to get the person to stop and that the person might try to trick or scare her by saying it is a game, scaring, or threatening. She tells Julie that she should tell, no matter what, even if she is scared, and reassures her that any touching would not be her fault and that she won’t get in trouble. Julie’s mom is a wonderful model for parents about how to have this kind of conversation!     

There are a lot of great discussion points in this book, so we talk about them as we work our way through the book, relating back to the examples from “Just in Case” from Lesson 1 of how Gus used some tricks to try to get Nickie to stay close to him and be his “special” friend and how Nickie trusted her “yucky” feeling, got away, and told.  To conclude the lesson, students color the “Your Body Belongs to You” page from the Very Important People coloring book.    

Screen Shot 2013-01-18 at 8.54.30 PMLesson 3 focuses on recognizing grooming and the importance of telling a trusted adult about uncomfortable touch even if you are scared or don’t quite know how to tell. You will need the book Mia’s Secret and the “Tricky Words” and “Real Words from Real Kids” coloring pages from the Very Important People Coloring Book.

Screen Shot 2012-08-26 at 12.48.35 PMMia’s Secret tells the story of a young girl who is groomed by her mom’s friend, who plays with her and gives her a board game as a gift. After a while he asks her to play another kind of game with him – the abuse – and then during subsequent events when she tries to resist, he uses the groomer’s tricks of cajoling by saying things like “But I played your game . . . I thought we were friends,” making her promise to keep the game a secret, and finally threatening her. The abuse stops when Mia figures out that she can get around her promise not to tell by telling her stuffed bear, Tikki, who then “tells” her mom. The book is beautifully done – it never gets too scary, and the abuse is treated very carefully without being pictured or described in detail.      

Before reading Mia’s Secret I introduce the word grooming:

“Grooming means ‘getting something ready.’ Usually people use the word ‘grooming’ when they are talking about making yourself look clean and neat. On school picture day, you groom yourself by fixing your hair and straightening your clothes so that you are ready to have your picture taken. The word ‘grooming’ is also used to describe what a person who wants to sexually abuse a kid does to trick the kid, or get him/her ready to abuse. Usually a sexual abuser doesn’t abuse a kid right when they first meet. They pretend to be nicer than they are, they trick the kid – and sometimes the kids’ parents – into trusting them and thinking that they are friends.    

This book is about a girl named Mia, who gets groomed by a man who is pretending to be friends with her and her mom. It’s not too scary, because it doesn’t tell exactly what actually happens to her, and it has a safe and happy ending, because Mia figures out what to do. While I’m reading I want you to notice what kinds of grooming or tricks the man tries, and also the clever thing that Mia does to help make herself safe. ”     

After reading the book I have the kids identify the grooming tricks that the abuser used. We talk about how you can’t always tell at first if someone is trying to trick you, and we look back at the book to see when we think Mia might first have started having yucky feelings. We also discuss how Mia managed to tell and other ways that kids can tell if they’re not sure how to:  

  • write a note
  • draw a picture
  • use a stuffed animal or puppet 
  • say “I have something to tell you but don’t know how to say it” 
  • say “I’ve been having a yucky feeling about something   

To end the lesson, students color the “Tricky Words” and “Real Words from Real Kids” pages from the Very Important People coloring book.     

Screen Shot 2013-01-18 at 8.55.12 PMScreen Shot 2013-01-18 at 8.55.41 PMObjectives and ASCA Standards  

Objectives: Students will be able to:     

  1. understand that “yucky” or uncomfortable feelings are an indication that a situation is potentially unsafe, that they should leave if possible, and tell a trusted adult about it.     
  2. tell a trusted adult about any uncomfortable, confusing, scary, manipulative, or dangerous situations they have experienced.    
  3. recognize that their body belongs to them and they have the right to say when and how someone else can touch it.     
  4. identify that secrets and/or threats about touching should be told to a trusted adult.      
  5. recognize that it is not a child’s fault if someone touches them inappropriately.    
  6. understand that sexual abusers may use tricks, bribes, or threats to gain and maintain trust and secrecy.

ASCA National Standards

PS:A1.7  recognize personal boundaries, rights, and privacy needs

PS:A2.6  use effective communications skills

PS:B1.4  develop effective coping skills for dealing with problems

PS:B1.5  demonstrate when, where and how to seek help for solving problems and making decisions

PS:C1.3  learn about the differences between appropriate and inappropriate physical contact

PS:C1.4  demonstrate the ability to set boundaries, rights and personal privacy

PS:C1.6  identify resource people in the school and community, and know how to seek their help

You might also be interested in:

Introduce Conflict Resolution with “The Zax”  

Second Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention     

A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources  

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Fourth Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention

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Screen Shot 2014-04-15 at 3.26.13 PMMy sexual abuse prevention unit for fourth grade consists of two lessons that focus on how to recognize and report about grooming and sexual abuse. Each lesson begins with a read-aloud story in which a child grapples with complex uncomfortable feelings and how to tell about what has happened. Follow up activities help students think about why it might be hard to tell; understand how telling can change how a kid is feeling; figure out ways to tell, even when you’re feeling very uncomfortable; and practice telling about unsafe or uncomfortable situations

These lessons revisit and build upon skills and concepts that I cover in previous grades, but prior knowledge is not necessary, so you can use them as a starting place even if your students haven’t already had lessons about safe touch.

For these lessons you will need the books Not in Room 204: Breaking the Silence of Abuse by Shannon Riggs and No More Secrets for Me by Oralee Wachter. You will also need some activity pages that you will find linked below.  The lessons as written take 45 minutes. It will be helpful for you to familiarize yourself with the foundational information about how to teach sexual abuse prevention by reading the posts Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse Teaching Kids to Recognize Groomingand Preparing Students (and Yourself) for Sexual Abuse Prevention Lessons before you teach the lessons. You can link to all my posts about sexual abuse prevention lessons and resources by visiting A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources. The objectives and ASCA National Standards addressed in this unit are listed at the end of the post.

Lessons and Materials

Lesson 1 begins with reading Not in Room 204, a story about Regina Lillian Hadwig, a sad, quiet girl in Mrs. Salvador’s class, Room 204. You are going to love Mrs. Salvador! She is pretty much a school counselor disguised as a classroom teacher! Mrs. Salvador consistently provides safety in her classroom, where students keep their desks neat, work hard, respect others, speak kindly, and keep their bodies to themselves. When her expectations are not met, she gives gentle but firm consequences and reminders that, unsafe things may happen elsewhere, but “not in Room 204.” Regina is very quiet, but she watches and listens to Mrs. Salvador very carefully. Something unspecified, but upsetting, has been happening to Regina: “There were things her father did that Regina Lillian Hadwig kept so quiet about, not even her mother knew.”

When Mrs. Salvador reads a book about Stranger Danger to the class, she tells them “It’s not always strangers who touch children in ways they shouldn’t be touched. Usually it’s someone the child knows.” She goes on: “If someone told me this happened I know exactly what to do.” The next morning Regina arrives at school early and tells Mrs. Salvador what has been happening. Mrs. Salvador knows exactly what to do. On the very last page, for the first time, Regina smiles.

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The story and illustrations in Not in Room 204 offer a lot of information and many great discussion starters:

  • What did Regina do to help herself be safe?
  • How can you tell that Mrs. Salvador is an adult who can be trusted to help kids if they’re not safe?
  • Why do you think Regina is so sad and quiet?
  • Why do you think Regina didn’t tell right away?
  • How did Regina’s feelings change after she told?
  • Who is someone like Mrs. Salvador that you know? Is that a person you could trust to tell if something was making you feel uncomfortable, yucky, or scared?

Although what has happened to Regina remains unspecified, there is a picture of her at bedtime, with a shadowed man outside her door. When someone inevitably asks what actually happened to Regina, I tell them that we can’t be sure, but that it seems like it was sexual abuse. I re-read the quote “There were things her father did that Regina Lillian Hadwig kept so quiet about, not even her mother knew,” and point out that that shows that there is an uncomfortable secret. The bedtime pictures, Regina’s deep sadness, and her conflicting desire to tell and feelings of fear are other clues that the situation is probably sexual abuse.

Screen Shot 2012-09-05 at 7.11.10 PMAfter the discussion we do a group activity in which kids take turns reading statements about how kids feel after telling about abuse. You can read more about this at “I Got Safe So Quickly!”: How Kids Feel After Telling About Sexual Abuse. The statements are on small pieces of paper, folded into quarters. You can download a copy of these statements here.

Screen Shot 2014-04-15 at 3.48.13 PMI explain to students that the notes contain the words of real (but unidentified) kids who made the abuse stop by telling an adult who they trusted about it. I distribute one note to each student, then have them unfold and read their notes, one by one, without commenting in between. I ask them to read the heading first and then the statement, so the message “I told and made the abuse stop” gets repeated as many times as there are kids. Depending on the number of kids in the class, some of the notes are duplicates, but the repetition doesn’t hurt. (I let the kids know this in advance so that it doesn’t distract them while they’re sharing them.) After all the notes have been read I ask the kids what they noticed. They generally are quite struck by the positive thoughts and feelings that result from telling. I ask them what they think Regina would have written in a similar note. To wrap up the lesson I tell them that next time we will continue to talk about ways to tell if something uncomfortable or unsafe has happened.

Lesson 2 begins with reading the story “What If” from No More Secrets for Me. (Sadly, this book is out of print, but it is still available from third party sellers on Amazon. Get a copy! This and the other stories in it are really helpful!) Before we read it, I review the definition of “grooming” and I remind them about a third grade lesson about grooming using the book Mia’s Secret, in which Mia was groomed by her mom’s friend, who later abused her.

Screen Shot 2012-11-24 at 1.37.44 PMHere is how I explain grooming:


Grooming means ‘getting something ready.’ Usually people use the word ‘grooming’ when they are talking about making themselves look clean and neat. On school picture day, you groom yourself by fixing your hair and straightening your clothes so that you are ready to have your picture taken. The word ‘grooming’ is also used to describe what a person who wants to sexually abuse a kid does to trick the kid, or get him/her ready to abuse. Usually a sexual abuser doesn’t abuse a kid right when they first meet. They pretend to be nicer than they are, they trick the kid – and sometimes the kids’ parents – into trusting them and thinking that they are friends.

This book is about a boy named Greg, who gets groomed by a camp counselor named Marty. It’s not too scary, because Greg figures out what to do to avoid being abused. While I’m reading I want you to notice what kinds of grooming or tricks Marty tries, and also the things that Greg does to help keep himself and other kids safe. ”

In “What If,” Greg has to figure out what to do when Marty, a camp counselor who he really likes, tries to get him to take off his clothes to play a game. Greg’s situation is confusing – by staying in his tent instead of going to swimming lessons, he has broken camp rules, but Marty is understanding, and says he won’t report him. Marty uses lots of tricks, one after another to try to gain Greg’s trust and compliance – befriending, pointing out their similar feelings of homesickness, teasing (“What are you afraid of?”), cajoling, and threatening. Greg refuses to do what Marty wants, gets away, and tells another camp counselor what happened.

“What If” provides clear examples of the strategies (“tricks”) that perpetrators use to get kids to comply with and keep silent about sexual abuse. It shows how even a previously well-liked person who, based on their role, should be trustworthy, could also be an abuser. It accurately portrays the confusion and conflicting feelings of a targeted child. And it deftly illustrates how kids have the ability to persevere and navigate in the face of a confusing and scary situation to avoid or stop abuse.

Here are some discussion questions that I use after reading the story:

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A poster about grooming made by a group of fifth graders.

  • What did Greg do to help himself be safe?
  • Did Greg telling help other kids stay safe? How?
  • What are some ways that Marty tried to groom Greg?
  • What was Marty trying to get Greg to think and feel with each of his grooming tricks?
  • How are grooming and sexual abuse related to bullying?
  • What helped Greg stay safe throughout the time he was in the tent with Marty?
  • What should Greg have done if the counselor he told about Marty didn’t believe him or didn’t do anything about the situation?
  • What advice would you give to a kid in a similar situation?

Following our discussion we do a group brainstorming activity. I ask students to imagine that a kid is experiencing (or has experienced) an unsafe or uncomfortable situation. The kid knows that s/he needs to tell, but isn’t sure how to start telling. I let the kids know that it is my job to help them talk about hard things, and I know how to do that, but they just need to know how to start telling. I tell them that other trusted adults might know how to help them talk too, but if they don’t, kids can always tell me or any other counselor they have, because we are trained to know how to listen and help kids talk.

Here are some ideas that one of my fourth grade classes came up with:

  • Say “I feel uncomfortable being around this person.” 
  • Use a stuffed animal to talk for you.
  • Write it down and give it to someone to read.
  • Just tell.
  • Make a scene so someone knows something is wrong.
  • Say “Something is happening.”
  • Write it while you’re sitting with a safe adult.
  • Say “I’m having trouble saying this.”
  • Say “Help me. Something happened to me but I can’t say it.”
  • Act it out with dolls from the dollhouse.
  • Ask to read books about safety with the school counselor.
  • Draw a picture.
  • Use colors to show how you feel.
  • Use a rubber band to show how stressed you feel.
  • Rip or crumple up paper to show how you feel. 
  • Ask “Do you know what to do if a kid is getting touched inappropriately?”
  • Whisper it.
  • Ask “Can I have a time to see you?”
  • Say “I have something important to tell you.”

Screen Shot 2014-04-15 at 4.22.30 PMAfter we finish brainstorming, the kids complete the above “Practice” page from the VIP Coloring Book to show a way that a kid could start telling about an uncomfortable/unsafe situation. The directions on the page say “Practice ways you might tell a person you trust; draw a picture or a note or a conversation you might have.” I tell them that they do not have to share any private information, or anything that really happened, but just need to show or tell at least one way that a kid could start telling about an uncomfortable/unsafe situation such as abuse or bullying. They can choose to write or draw, whichever they prefer, and can refer to the brainstormed list if they need ideas.

At the end of the activity I give kids the opportunity to share, if they wish, which strategy they chose. I collect the papers so that I can assess their learning and check to make sure if anyone has shared any private information.

To finish the lesson we talk about which trusted adults kids could tell, and have the class share some ideas. I remind them that different kids will have different feelings about which adults they trust, and that’s okay. I let them know that sometimes kids feel more comfortable telling someone outside of school, like a parent, other relative, or family friend and sometimes they feel more comfortable telling someone at school. I also let them know that sometimes people outside of school don’t know what to do to help a kid feel safe, but a counselor, teacher, nurse, principal, or anyone else at any school will always know what to do to get help.

Objectives and ASCA Standards

Objectives: Students will be able to:

  1. understand that “yucky” or uncomfortable feelings are an indication that a situation is potentially unsafe, that they should leave if possible, and tell a trusted adult about it.
  2. tell a trusted adult about any uncomfortable, confusing, scary, manipulative, or dangerous situations they have experienced.
  3. recognize that their body belongs to them and they have the right to say when and how someone else can touch it.
  4. identify that secrets and/or threats about touching should be told to a trusted adult.
  5. recognize that it is not a child’s fault if someone touches them inappropriately.
  6. understand that sexual abusers may use tricks, bribes, or threats to gain and maintain trust and secrecy.

ASCA National Standards

PS:A1.7  recognize personal boundaries, rights, and privacy needs

PS:A2.6  use effective communications skills

PS:B1.4  develop effective coping skills for dealing with problems

PS:B1.5  demonstrate when, where and how to seek help for solving problems and making decisions

PS:C1.3  learn about the differences between appropriate and inappropriate physical contact

PS:C1.4  demonstrate the ability to set boundaries, rights and personal privacy

PS:C1.6  identify resource people in the school and community, and know how to seek their help

You might also be interested in: 

Second Grade Lessons for Sexual Abuse Prevention 

I’ve Got a Secret . . . 

You Brought WHAT To School???!!! 

Helping Little Ones Understand Bullying

When a Staff Member Dies

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